memories
  • 147
  • 146
  • 145
  • 144
  • 143
  • 142
  • 141
  • 140
  • 139
  • 138


    • credits
    layout: detonatedlove♥
    pictures: ohhspontaneityy
    stocks: _excentric_
    Saturday, November 22, 2008
    149 12:19 AM

    been really long since i blogged.
    it might not be appropriate for me to blog about school stuff, the curriculum, the lecturers, etc.
    esp about clinicals. cannot mention placement centre and reveal clients' particulars. yup so my blog was quite dead for a while.

    it's been quite a bad day for me.
    a whole tsunami of negativity.
    i'm still trying to swim my way out of the bleakness.

    first it was xy, then it was ah ma.
    anything that i do i can never appease everyone.
    if i go home for dinner, hoe han and xy they all might be angry.
    if i dont go help out my dad on sat and play mahjong with ah ma they all instead, my dad will get angry.

    it's like running around a room of 4 walls where there're nails all around the walls. no matter where i try to lean against to rest i'll get pricked and pain sets in.

    i can only stand alone in the middle of the room so that nothing will happen. so that i'm safe. so that i'm treating everyone fairly by rejecting all of them.

    yet i know that's not going to solve the problem. i'm only escaping.

    so i keep banging the walls, pricking myself, bleeding inside, trying to find a way out.

    does anyone know?



    i feel really torn. school work's increasing like crazy. and i'm not some smart alec who can cramp everything at one go. i'm a pig who needs hours and hours of sleep otherwise i'll just remain in a zombie-fied state. my body isnt as strong physically (mentally too) as before. and i know i want to be an Occupational Therapist who can truly help people, so i need a really strong foundation for my basic sciences. i need the time to revise and assimilate. yet i cant find enough time.

    my dad and mom just got cheated by Hong Leong Finance of 150k. im not sure exactly what they bought but the money's gone. down the drain. if you take 4k salary/month x 12 mnths + 6 mnths bonus THAT IS MORE THAN ONE YEAR'S WORTH OF HARD WORK. my dad's been really emo and i can't help him at all. as the eldest i feel i've got the responsibilty to help shoulder his burden. but i can't. i feel really useless sometimes. so i find stuff to compensate. my shop. i spend a lot of time trying to get business so that i can pay for my textbooks my notes my own expenses and hopefully a bit of household stuff here and there toiletries eg. but there's always hardly enough.

    i'm drained.

    i try to be patient and understanding to my friends. finding excuses for them when i'm really pissed with something that they did so that i can convince myself to forgive them. i try to be nice i try to take initiative i try to show concern i try, i really try.

    yet i normally cant contain such stress in within me and i explode. usually on hoehan. i really feel damn bad but i just can't help it. and he'll always be there, making the allowances and sacrifices that are demanding on him. he has his own share of problems as well and i'm adding onto them. i really feel very lousy about myself.

    and i dont know how to correct these problems.

    ---

    after that day, i realise how blessed i am. and how judgemental i've been.

    there're people who survive day by day without spare money. survive on handouts for RCs, CDCs, the govt. survive on kindness; what others give. and there i am, splurging on unneccessary snacks, dining out, buying clothes that i dont wear and dont need.

    when the dad brought his 2 twin daughters who had cerebral palsy out to town, people stare at him. like his daughters are exhibits and like 'what is that man doing with those weirdos' kind of look. although judging someone is unavoidable (becos that's how our brain works) we should try to minimise it. no one's perfect. everyone has flaws, but they have assets too.

    The Lord looks at the heart, and not at what Man sees.

    why can't Man do that as well? it's not only applicable to disability but to people in general as well.

    something we all need to work on.